It’s been a while, hasn’t it? So much has happened. I think this is an habitual pattern that I no longer feel the need to break. Long absences, silent intervals, with great bursts of poetic prose and color and action. Maybe not a true reflection of my life but an interesting persona.
I’m writing this from the Olin Library at Mills, on a Sunday, the day before my Hell Week truly begins. Well, really, these next few days might be hell and this is just the beginning. I just finished the outline for Spanish that was due last Wednesday, with the first draft due on Monday. I’ve been slipping all semester. I got an academic warning in my Tuesday class, Creative Non-Fiction Workshop. Yes, me. Miss A-student-always-because-B-is-failing, and I’m not minding except the fear my GPA is going to fall too far. So I’m scrambling to pick up the scattered pieces of my academic frame of mind and find some way to love myself through these awful, painful hours of dredging up words I don’t feel like typing. It helps that my last few projects are going to be on topics I like. Feminism, patriarchy, queer desire, embodied memory, and translation, etc. Somehow the learning is finally clicking and becoming a part of me, and thus transferring between classes. I’ve been trying to reflect back on how much I’ve actually learned here, to try to put a value on my education, and I haven’t been able to quantify it yet.
It’s easier to identify in the ephemera, in comparison and déjà vu. Like watching a movie I used love and realizing how sexist it is and at the same time running a queer analysis on it and trying to find moments of trans-ing and queer desire and colonialist objectification…oh yes, there are definitely things I’ve learned.
Also, my writing has definitely developed. I won the inaugural Annual Queer Studies Writing Contest this year. I submitted one of my papers from an American Lit class on a whim, not thinking I would be picked but mad at myself at how many contests and opportunities I’ve passed up this year because I “haven’t had the time.” And now I have a beautiful award along with a check for $100! Go me. *does a little victory dance*
But I really must get back to this epic research paper for CNF. Yes, a research paper. Somehow I didn’t think about how much research would be needed for this, and now I’m in deeper than I could possibly be. I’m hoping my result will be adequate enough for an A, an obvious improvement. At least writing about the Hunger Games and feminism and pop culture movies is entertaining. Just a lot of reading and referencing and synthesizing. Ugh.